Before you start beating yourself over the title like Nerdy did, because you don’t get it, (do you? Sigh.) Lemme decipher.
• Naggie– A Nagging Girlfriend. (Did I just hear your ex’s name?) I will repeat, a nagging chick you gave some important status.
• Gyllenhaal– MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL. She fits the Overly Attached Girlfriend Bill. Refer to Hysteria, Sherrybaby, Secretary, Happy Endings, A Dangerous Women.
So, in other words. I am going to describe a BAD NAGGING Girlfriend; you should possibly stay the hell away from. And Lady, if you are reading this (I sympathize with you *sob*), do things differently, you don’t want to be Naggie Gyllenhaal.
Go on, RELATE!
• Kya khaya mele Baby ne?
Does she constantly ask you what you ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch, thanksgiving, Diwali? Does she insist on knowing when you ate, how you ate and with whom you ate? And, and… SHE JUST WON’T TAKE A NO for an answer. She’ll insist on eating at that very instant. She’ll also give you options and advice you WHAT to eat.
Woah Woman! I have a mother you know? I certainly don’t want another.
• Where were you?
When you go offline for say two minutes, does she go WHERE WERE YOU!? I MISSED YOU! Like hold on, it’s been TWO minutes. I might be pooping for heaven’s sake! Or doing something equally important. I don’t have to reply instantly you know? Go date Siri.
*Why did you take 7 minutes to pick out a shirt huh? Simran is hiding in the closet. I know*
• Who were you talking to?
Phone line busy. A late reply. And BAAM. Who were you talking to? She is the epitome of Interrogation. She just won’t let you talk to other people, peacefully. Especially if it is a girl, you are done, bro. I’ll miss you.
• Reads too much between the lines
Slip of tongue. You say something and uh Huh. There she goes. She has to find a fishy syllable in your goddamn sentence. She has a problem with everything you do and say.
“I am sleepy” *So I bore you huh?*
“Can we text? I am low on balance” *You don’t like listening to my voice? Do you have to talk to someone else?*
“I love you too.” *Why didn’t you say I love you first? Who did you say it to, first?
She be like *I will cook you dinner and take your coat when you come back from work* Because, Ms. Naggie be like I’ll be the perfect housewife and be your support system and nag you throughout your life so you can be Gates and I’ll be the gatekeeper.
Jaa Behn, zindagi main kuch banja.
• You don’t love me only.
Naggie threatens you every night. Now, go on Romeo. Be cheesy. Sexy talk and be her slave, yet again. You have to constantly tell her that you love her. C-O-N-S-T-A-N-T-L-Y. These silent sobs are A BIG SIGN. Baachale Apne Aap ko
• Tohfa Tohfa, Laaya Laaya.
Sends you random links *Seee baby. $o cute. I luv it xoxoxo* Read: Buy me this. It’s a sign from the universe. Buy her gifts.
Only if your wallet was as fat as she is. (Burn…)
• Stalker in BOLD
She has to have in on ALL your activities. Physically and virtually. She likes each one of your status updates. Comments on your pictures. Keeps a tab on your last seen and WAIT FOR IT… Expects you to do the same!
*Why did you like that girl’s picture eh? You find her pretty? Sleep with her. You never like my pictures*
*Why did you say Okay? Okay is Priya’s favorite word. That’s why you say it.*
This has much darker undertones. I think I will do a whole separate post for this. But, well. You are Hers. No escaping. She’s Watching. You are stuck. Her(e). *whispers* Prisoner.
• Am I fat?
Age old question. Want to do a little experiment?
Next time she asks ‘Baby, am I fat?’ Say Yes. You’ll know who you are dealing with *shudders*
• Am I pretty?
Hello Mister. SAY YES TO THIS EVERYTIME. Okay? Every time. Naggie or an Angel, every girl is pretty no matter what.
Now, Let’s do this again. Am I pretty? *fluttery eyes*
• The sacred four days
Two minute silence.
I am sorry I can’t help you with this. Every girl you know, is Naggie Gyllenhaal for four days. You gotta deal with it.
She insists on watching rom-coms with you. Snuggles up really close. Insists on spooning all the time. (Wait, is that just me?) Calls you cute names *jiggly puff* *mushy pumpkin* *poodly pooh*
She is so cheesy, you could pop her on a pizza. Crunchy Munchy! (Hey! New cute name)
Big Word. If she makes you carry her bags, you are just unlucky. Does she constantly ask you to take her shopping? It’s a trap. So, gentleman, don’t go if it’s her idea.
On the other hand, if it was your idea, I need your phone number.
• Changes YOU
Once you are in relationship with Naggie, forget that you have an identity. She will pick out shirts, plan your diet, push you to the gym, ask you to give up porn; and Bars you from drinking or smoking. Naggie RULES!
• Marriage and Kids
Oh Yeah. She’s planned your wedding. Her Wedding actually. Picked out the curtain colors of your dream home (which you’ll be paying for). Most importantly, she’s planned the number of kids you’ll conceive and their NAMES. Separate sets for a girl and boy. (Don’t be shy. Go on tell me. I know you have them. Like Shhh. I know.)
• Friend Circle Invader
She wants to be your friends’ best friend. Hold your hand to show them you are taken. She wants to be updated on your friend circle. Gossip mostly, girls especially.
• Can’t take a joke.
Don’t crack a joke, it is enemy territory. Stick to cheesy. If there is one thing Naggie can’t do, it is Take A Joke. Nuff Said.
I am sure I have a mob of Angry Chicks outside my house. Ouch. A flare just broke in.
If your girlfriend has more than 3 similarities. Run in the opposite direction. If you relate to this, chill, grab a beer, laugh a little. Then RUN.
Disclaimer: This is just generalization. (Jk. I have picked up real references. From Real People. Living) (Jk Double. Just me)
Women are beautiful. They are caring, kind and helpful. 🙂
Until you start dating them…