No, this is not a rating scale of romantic couples. And since it is not that, the next logical assumption is that I am a pedophile. No I am not. Well maybe. Haha, jk.
This is something I’m hearing about far too much these days on social media, and through my brother, who’s in the 8th grade. As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m talking romantic couples who still require permission from their teachers to go peepee. Honest to God, I am not making any of this s**t up. There are children, 8 year olds (!!!) who have girlfriends and boyfriends.
Now despite my initial cynicism as a somewhat heartbroken, disgruntled 20 year old, who’s been single for far too long, I am actually curious as to what the dynamics of these relationships are. So for purely journalistic reasons I decide to go undercover as a 12 year old, who was looking for a nice young girlfriend. No pedo. Let the world know sacrifices have been made in the quest for knowledge. The following are excerpts from my daily journal.
July 4th 2013
I have enrolled for admission in one of the good co-ed schools here in the 7th grade. The teachers and students were a little suspicious of my age, considering my height and my deep voice. Upon being questioned I burst into tears, saying people bullied me at my previous school for my height, and I had to change schools because of that. I have now realized what a powerful weapon tears are. No wonder the females are so lethal.
July 9th 2013
I have opened my Facebook account. In order to keep up with my 12 year old personality I used the email kingkock15@hoohaa.com. Facebook however has to be dealt with utmost care. One right spelling, one grammatically correct sentence, one modest post and boom, my cover will be blown.
July 17th 2013
Keeping my cover is harder than I thought. I have stalked every girl from my class, and every junior girl too but I think I need to make more of an online presence. I need to start *shudder* LIKE WHORING. Yes I must sink to depths of hell for science. “pLzZ LykK mAh sTatu$$” will need to be posted every few days.
The other day I did try to be a little creative with my post by posting “All dOSe who lYK me raise ur handzz………………and dose who dnt ra!$e ur st@ntard!!!
^^maching ma standard is imp0ssible………….bt plzz dose who dnt lyk me raise ur standardzz^^”. Yeah, after a few readings it stopped making sense to me too.
July 19th 2013
I think I finally might be making some headway in the ladies department. I started chatting with this cute, chubby girl from class, Niharika. I think she has a thing for me, considering I’m a total badass at basketball. The team aside, I could hand the coach’s ass to him on a plate.
Anyway back on topic, she seems to really like me, which I gather from her texts saying stuff “ u r sch a qtyyy pieeeee!!!!!!!!!”. I’ve decided to pursue this matter a little further now. I have decided I will ask her out, or as is commonly termed, “setting karni hai”.
July 22nd 2013
I finally did ask Niharika out. I got down on one knee after everyone in the class left for PE and asked her to be my girlfriend. She turned beet red, at which point I was unsure whether she was just embarrassed or having a stroke. Luckily for me it was the red of coyness. She said yes and looked at me like I was supposed to pull out a ring out of thin air. I treated her to a 5-star later and no complaints were heard.
July 23rd 2013
Today was my first date with Niharika. I went to her society, her mom fed us poha and we both went inside her room and started playing carom with her two siblings there. Sounds pretty silly for grown up date standards, but is actually quite fun. (Note to self: Next time you ask a girl out from college, make sure she’s not a kaccha limbu at carom. It is such a buzzkill to be paired with such a noob.) Her brother seems to be infatuated with my charm. But he’s 4 and I have this effect on kids normally.
August 2nd 2013
Niharika’s naiveté is unnerving. In this age of Internet *wink wink* she still believes French kissing gets you pregnant. I have so much to teach her. Man, that’s gonna be one very awkward conversation. Also she is boring. We sit next to each other in class, we sit together during recess, she gives me food from her tiffin (her mom’s mutter paneer is muuuuaaah). But she is dull. How much can I talk to her after spending so much time with her? To top it off she insists I text her on Facebook once I get home. The only plus side of this relationship (read: dafuq?) is that I never have to make notes in class. Her notes are always complete and I could just copy them.
Now that I think about it, why am I even copying those notes? I AM AN UNDERGRAD STUDENT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT!!
August 15th 2013
I am finally free. She ended things because I was caught talking to another girl from my class. Now that “girl” happened to be the cute 20 year old teaching assistant working part time at the school and “talking” here being making out. I ain’t got time to complete this. I have a hottie waiting for me.
Author’s note: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any characters living or dead is completely intentional because I am an unimaginative jackass. Also this is no means to be portrayed as propagating pedophilia. I just enjoy dark humor, that’s all. If this stirs up a controversy, please don’t picket my house. Thank you.
Booze and Bakwaas 