A Complete Guide to Indian Birthdays

 

“If you were born, you had birthdays. If you were born Indian, you had diplomatic affairs.” Birthdays in India are a particularly extravagant affair. Like Indian weddings. Or funerals. Or christenings. Or a boy’s first shit. (WTF India!!). But no, birthdays are particularly important. You have to celebrate the anniversary of the birth of a child. It’s not like 8 children are being born every second in India.

A child’s first birthday is testament to the fact that as a community, Indians are penny wise pound foolish. Parents spend hours and hours debating on the catering, the decorations for a party for about 200 people while the guest of honor has greater worries that include whose lap to piss on and how to cry loud enough to deafen 200 guests at once.

Then when you go to school: On your Birthday you are to wear the most dhinchak, eye blinding awfully colourful clothes possible and carry sweets to the school. When I say sweets I mean affordable toffees. Cadbury Eclairs traditionally, Melody is you are pretty rich. If by any god (Ambani) given chance you take Dairy Milk or Munch, you are going to be the MOST MOST favorite kid in class (Caution: Keep your bag with yourself at all times to prevent molestation.) It is important that you glare at each classmate while giving it away and UNDERSTAND that you have to give them ONE only. If they ask for another one, ANARTH HO GAYA.

The guest List at the Indian Birthday party is pretty simple. You’ll only call the people who called you for their party. It is very practical. Also, it is extremely interdependent and it goes on forever. Also, ‘Main tujhe apni party main nahi bulaonga’ is a fatal threat in India. Being invited is the testimony of brotherhood and humility. It is the fellowship of the Bling.

Every subsequent birthday, while relatively low key affairs, have more or less the same formula. Kinda like a Rohit Shitty, sorry Shetty, flick. Guests arrive at 6.30, by 7 the song is sung and the cake is cut. Everyone is given slice of cake, some wafers, chiwda, laddoo or pedha along with a glass of Rasna to wash it down. The parents usually insist on playing a ridiculously lame game, like passing the parcel, which as we all know is no fun without alcohol. All Indian celebrations have a dinner invite included. It’s basically taken for granted that if you’re going for a birthday, you’re gonna get pav bhaji for dinner. This is almost always the menu of choice at birthdays because neither the veg people or the non-veg people complain about pav bhaji.

Note: Dhokla is a must at a Gujju friend’s birthday. Or wedding. Or funeral. Or christenings. And considering there is a Gujju in every corner of this planet, it is inevitable that at some point or the other you will be subjected to this quantum of gas and besan. Ab toh PM pan gujju che. #AccheDinAaneWaaleHain

Note (Returns): This applies to almost every region of India, alright? South Indian friend, his mummy might just avada kedavra you with her Idli Dosa. Or rasgulla at a Bong friend’s. Well, you get the point.

The gifts are a crucial element of every birthday. More often than not, the gift is indicative of your relation with the recipient, your social stature, your family income, your ancestral heritage, the weather in Guatemala, and how many dams does the average beaver build annually (the answer is 4). A funny anecdote comes to mind with regard to birthday gifts. A friend of mine, hailing from Kerala received the oddest gift from his uncle, a rubber plantation owner, on his 8th birthday. He got a baby elephant!! A real, live baby elephant!!! Mallus are crazy I swear.

Anyways coming back to the point, gifts are a diplomatic nightmare. It has to be a recycled. How else are you gonna get rid of all YOUR birthday gifts. But you need to take care that this circulation isn’t spotted. Also if you actually like the person you’re giving the gift to, you want it to make some sort of impression. So the gift needs to be hatke. Aukad is the keyword here. You have give them a gift identical to the one they gave you in financial terms. Remember, that your gift determines your relationship and also, what they’ll give you on your next birthday. (Be wise, my child.)

I’m pretty sure the UN needs a separate committee to discuss Indian birthday gifts.

This article would be incomplete without the honorable mention of birthdays in college or hostel. The birthday boy or girl’s situation is worse than a CIA agent in Cold war era Soviet Union. You never know where the eggs, or the soapy, freezing water will come from. Not to mention the fact that the entire hostel building, from the people you’ve never seen before to the wardens to the bedbugs in the dorms, all demand a treat. And given your broke status, the only people who actually get their treat are the bedbugs.

Given the amount of thought and diplomacy that goes into a birthday in India, its logical to assume that screw-ups are bound to happen. In fact it is equally likely that historical milestones in India were the results of birthday booboos. For all we know, Mahmud Ghaznavi raided Somnath temple year after year, because those silly priests kept sending him silly dhoklas as birthday gifts. Ain’t nobody got time for your silly dhoklas, nerds!! Mangal Pandey probably rebelled against his company because they forgot his birthday. Seriously East India Company, that’s just bad HR policy.

Obligatory sage advice: Do not f**king screw up birthdays. The world will come to an end otherwise. You are now a full fledged expert on Indian Birthdays. O Balle Balle!!

PS :This post was brought to you in honour of Birdy’s birthday!! Wish her a happy birthday in the comments, or on Twitter with the #BoozeandBakwaas. Love you guys!!